The past year, my only goal was to get into a local university. Originally, it was to get into a communications course in a local university. Gradually, I lost hope and it got reduced to just getting a place in a local university. I don't know if my dad's jaded views and pragmatism rubbed off on me, but I started thinking that it wasn't so bad to scrape the bottom of the barrel. I could do without communications. I mean, I don't even know exactly what I want to do, right? So I filled in my choices with courses which had a cut-off point that matched my GPA. Needless to say, communications wasn't one of it.
The degree that I got offered, and in the university that offers it, could be considered sub par compared to many other practical degrees which are so favoured by the local society, and even internationally. General consensus is that it is impractical, and a waste of time and money. It's also a new course, and upon one of my many google searches, it seems that new courses in their first year are unstable, and students run the risk of not being able to take core modules due to the lack of establishment of the course. I only chanced upon that information today, which is why I'm really troubled right now.
I've already wasted two years of my life, one year because I switched courses in polytechnic, and one year because I couldn't get into university the first round. I don't have any more time to waste. I can't.
Surprisingly, my dad thinks I should just take it, because the degree is going to have the prestige of being presented by a local university but I'm really not so sure. To be honest, I don't trust my dad's judgement and opinions when it goes against mine. I mean, duh but really, both of us have such polarizing opinions on how to live life so I just can't bring myself to trust him on this issue.
Everyone's really happy that I got a place, and initially I was too. Close friend #1 is just happy for me, thinks I should take it. Close friend #2 thinks I should take it, it's a cool degree. Alas my good chum, cool does not equate to useful/recognized/worthy in the real world.
Actually, there is going to be a 95% chance I'll accept the place, because none of the other universities have gotten back to me, and I've also missed the deadline for the only course of a private university that I was the slightest bit interested in. Reason being I thought I was okay with accepting the course I got offered.
I am ashamed to say that a lot of my worries and doubts stem from me worrying about what society is going to think of me and my degree. Will I get raised eyebrows? Dismissing scoffs? Will they dismiss me as someone who wasted four years of her life and her parents money on a useless degree? Will they see my degree as second-rate, consequently seeing me as second-rate? Someone who wasn't good enough to get into a better course?
Of course I'm worried that a new course will come with a lot of screw ups and obstacles as well, screw ups being that core modules that were advertised on the school website may not be taught due to lack of professors and stability. Obstacles being that my employability will be hindered due to lack of recognition of my degree.
However, according to my dad; the positives would be that since the cohort is smaller there will be more interaction with the professors. I can't trust him on that since it's not like he has first hand experience, am I right? (wow, many potential psychological issues here I'm guessing)
"If you're going to focus on all the negatives then you'll never see anything positive." My dad said that in the car to me today, regarding this issue. Of course there are positives, like how my year-long worrying and despair of getting into a university is now over. I now worry about other things, but I guess that's life? Once you pass one hurdle and you think it's all over and you can heave a sigh of relief, whoomp there it is, here's another hurdle you've got to jump through sucker.
I write this with many feelings. Feelings of regret, for not studying harder to get a GPA that would allow me to get into any course I wanted. Feelings of shame, that I now place more value on practicality instead of my ideals, and what "adults" who are strangers think of me when they don't even know the slightest bit about me. Feelings of loneliness, for I don't know who I can turn to who will understand and empathize with me.
Above all, the greatest feeling I have right now is the feeling of despair, because what if I never amount to anything good? What if I always stay mediocre in my being? Living day to day without a motive or aim in life, coasting by just waiting for the end? I want a good life, but what is the good that I want? What if I never realize it?
