Just wanted to pen down some feelings and thoughts I've had lately, for remembrances sake, because I think it would be nice to read back on this and know that I have once felt this way.
I have met new people and experienced new things in the past month or so, and some of these people and experiences have left me feeling bad about myself, like I wasn't good enough. Like I wasn't talkative enough, or funny enough, or good looking enough to be considered valuable or worthy.
In being so caught up with all of these worries, I totally forgot I had a handful of friends who loved me, who wanted to spend time with me, and who truly knew who I was and still wanted to be friends with me.
In being thrown into all these new things, I forgot that I didn't have to impress anyone, and I don't need to try to make friends with everybody and fit into everyone's idea of what I should be if I wanted them to be my friends.
After some time with myself and the people I love, I came to the realisation that if people didn't want to bother trying to befriend me, I shouldn't feel upset at all. At the very least, I shouldn't brood about it for more than what is necessary. It is not a loss to me.
I wanted so much to be well-liked and popular in this next stage of my life, because everyone kept saying it would be much more beneficial to have a wide circle of friends. And I really believed it and wanted it to happen for me that I tried to brush off the fact that what I really enjoy is interacting in small groups and having time to myself to be alone instead of being a social butterfly.
Another thing that happened as of late was that I got confused and silly over someone, and I was truly being foolish. It made me want something that for a long time I did not want, and was happy not having it. A relationship.
I always forget how happy and at peace I am when I am not harbouring a crush on anyone. And once I do, it gets so unhealthy and to a point of slight obsessiveness. It's really bad and I truly want to change it.
Excusing this temporary silliness, for the past year I've been feeling that I don't need a boyfriend and should not have one. Of course I feel wistful sometimes, it is nice to be able to love someone special after all. However, most of the time I've felt that I'm just not ready to love someone.
I don't think I love myself enough yet to be a good lover, and there are so many things I have to improve on before I ask of someone to love me.
"To be loved, be loveable."
This quote (and other such variations) has always been engraved in my mind and it comes to mind whenever I find myself wanting to be in a relationship.
At the moment, I think there are many things I have to work on - physically, mentally, and emotionally. And because I want to find someone great for me, I want to be great for that person too. And I'm not at that stage yet. I want to work on being loveable and I still have a long way more to go.
I feel a bit enlightened!!! Feeling really happy right now :)
I went for my school's welcome ceremony yesterday and a professor talked to us about our course and I am so intimidated! I'm really worried that I won't have the aptitude for this. My course of study is not like a business or science course. It's not something that if I mug really hard for I'll be guaranteed an A. I can't mug for it! Which is why I'm worried if I won't be able to do it. It's university and if I screw up I won't know how to get myself out of that mess. Arghhhhhhh. Ok but I'm still feeling happy!
I hope I'll be able to adapt to all these new changes in the fastest and smoothest way possible.
