hello hi hello i haven't been here in ages.
i'm back home now from clubbing and i can't sleep so here i am...
a guy whom i recall as quite cute (i forgot how he looked like already lol) asked me to dance three times today and i kept saying no because i was with my friends and i didn't want to dump them and i felt i had to protect them lol.
he was actually quite nice about it, like i didn't feel like "ugh yucks men" as i usually do, so... looking back i'm pretty upset with myself for not dancing with him lol. i mean, its not all the time a guy that is MY type asks me to dance because i don't have the face or body that guys here think is attractive.
and in trying to "console" myself about missing out, i told myself maybe he was just had beer goggles on, and once he was sober he would immediately regret asking me to dance. i fucking know right!! i'm self sabotaging myself?!!
but i always do it all the fucking time man it's so bad.
and i wonder if i'm self sabotaging, like i'm not letting myself think that guys may find me attractive, like i think i don't deserve being in a relationship, or being with a cute guy......
because the thoughts that were running through my mind just now were...
"well if i really danced with him he would have sooner or later realised i'm really fat"
"if i danced with him he would've been turned off by how sweaty i was/how gross i looked"
"other people would wonder what's wrong with him - dancing with such a big girl"
it just went along the lines of - sooner or later he's going to realise i'm ugly and fat
-.-
i mean generally on a day to day basis i think i look okay??? but when it comes to guys i may be attracted to... fuck man i just start putting myself down.
why am i like this?!
plus i dont get why guys in the club like to stand behind me, and then i always hear them discussing about whether they should dance with me and someone will be like 'fuck no!' like excuse me i can hear u and also do u really think i would want to dance w u? tbh i always feel a little hurt and will always lose my ~groove~ but i get over it pretty quickly but this has happened more than a few times and its annoying.
u see when it comes to guys like this im like hey fuck off fuck you u ain't getting this bitch and when it comes to guys i may like i become a dweeb with low self esteem.
urgggggh.
