Monday:
consultation for political + existentialism
read epicurus on the train in the morning
write existentialism reflection essay + study for phil sci
Tuesday:
existentialism reflection essay due + phil sci quiz
read epicurus on the train in the morning
shit out a full draft for ancient phil (have not started)
Wednesday:
ancient phil full essay draft due
formulate thesis for phil sci and email prof about extension*
work on existentialism + political essays
start readings for reason essay
Thursday:
existentialism revised essay due (optional)
work on existentialism + political essay
outline reason essay
Friday: -
Saturday: -
Sunday:
political essay due + existentialism essay due
Monday:
reason essay due
Tuesday: -
Wednesday:
ancient essay due
Thursday: -
Friday:
phil sci essay due
my life is shit and i want to die and as you can see i gave up halfway planning the week and next week
10.4.16
7.3.16
school makes me shop
i bought a ton of shit at the beginning of the month (i am aware it is still the beginning of the month) while struggling to write an essay. a lot of it had to do with me wanting to ~change up my style~ and by that i mean acquiring sluttier tops (i may regret this at some point).
just wanted to compile it all in a page since i made several separate orders over the span of a week smh.
erm i actually already own two pairs of trousers like these from asos. one is a size too big, and one is what i wear all the time and they're the bestest so i decided to get another pair before the one i have wears down! these are gr8!!!
just wanted to compile it all in a page since i made several separate orders over the span of a week smh.
so i bought a bunch of tshirts because you can never have enough tshirts right?? i feel like the white tshirt in the middle is not slutty enough for the ~aesthetic~ i wanna go for now so i don't know why i bought it but white tshirts are always good i guess???
and the bridezilla shirt is just funny because we all know i'm gonna be single with 4 dogs and 2 cats till i die so... yea. it was only $8 too!
i bought two of these in different colours in SEPARATE ORDERS because after i ordered the white one i decided i needed the black one for ~aesthetic~ purposes too. fuck me.
anyway i've never bought bodysuits before and oh my god i can imagine going to the restroom will be a pain in the ass. whatever, i hope i look hot in these tops coz that was the point. and also they'll go with the bajillion chokers i bought from taobao!!!
bought these two scoop neck tops for the slutty asethetic and also, these will go so well with chokers too!!! (i'm into the choker trend if you couldn't tell already)
bought this in black because it looks so chic and cool and i've never tried a high neck top before hopefully i don't look like shit in it?
another slutty top!! i think in 2016 i just wanna up the sluttiness!!
also bought a pair of mom jeans!! i'm just in desperate need of jeans/pants. anyway i hope these mom jeans don't make my actual mom hips look too frumpy since its a slim cut rather than a true mom jeans cut. if not i'll be upset!
uhh yeah and then today i made an order for these uniqlo and lemaire tops!!! i've been seeing a lot of hype for these tops online and i don't know why i only decided to visit the uniqlo website TODAY.
a lot of the stuff already sold out and idk i guess thank god i'm fat because for the pieces i got only L was left!! i also had to talk myself out of getting another top because i think it doesn't suit my style anymore (ahem as you should know by now, 2016's keyword: SLUTTY).
the lookbook for this collection is so good goddamn so clean and so crisp!! i would have bought pants from the collection but too bad my fat ass just cannot fit into any kind of pants from uniqlo :-(
there are some pieces that aren't on the website at all and idk if they're completely sold out or they're not for sale yet? i mean, they're not pieces i LOVE but the whole collection is so good i just wanna get a few more lmao fuck me in the ass, capitalism!
ok i didn't pay for these two my dad helped me get them from an outlet in seoul! the leopard print slip ons were only 19,000won CAN U BELIEVE!!! that's about 22-25sgd!!! :-)))))) and the old skools i've wanted for awhile and i think he said they were about 68,000won and thats about 70-ish so that's still slightly cheaper than sg retail prices.
i'm not gonna upload my taobao stuff coz there's just too much shit and grabbing images from taobao is a pain in the ass as well so. i'm pretty sure i can get my hands on all my taobao stuff by this week as well as the uniqlo order. I HOPE MY ASOS PACKAGES (four) COME SOON!!!
i stopped buying makeup this year because i'm going to seoul in may but now i've transferred my attention onto clothes FML...... for the longest time i stopped paying attention to clothes because i didn't feel like dressing up because i gained weight and became even fatter and i felt so frumpy and gross in all my clothes. right now i've started working out a lil and i'm a bit less concerned about my body image but now i'm buying a shit ton of clothes so i DON'T KNOW WHICH IS BETTER TBH?!
ok tootles i am off to write more essays
30.12.15
sometimes i feel like i'm so messed up beyond words that i try and seek out why i am the way i am through astrology, personality tests, etc.
my gpa dropped again, and by a lot this time, and lately i've been having troubles with my digestion. i just feel like i'm so irresponsible and i can't take care of myself properly. i keep shopping and spending money impulsively. i have trouble managing my money. and i have trouble managing my own body and health. and i have trouble being hardworking and diligent in school.
i don't know what i'm good for honestly.
everyone is living their lives diligently and i'm wasting mine away.
i know how to go about living my life better but everyday i just stay in bed and i know i should do things but i just don't?
i hate the way that i am and i wish i wasn't me. i wish i was a better person with a better personality. i wish i could restart my life.
that's all i know. i only know how to wish for things to happen but i don't go out to achieve them and that's my fucking problem.
my gpa dropped again, and by a lot this time, and lately i've been having troubles with my digestion. i just feel like i'm so irresponsible and i can't take care of myself properly. i keep shopping and spending money impulsively. i have trouble managing my money. and i have trouble managing my own body and health. and i have trouble being hardworking and diligent in school.
i don't know what i'm good for honestly.
everyone is living their lives diligently and i'm wasting mine away.
i know how to go about living my life better but everyday i just stay in bed and i know i should do things but i just don't?
i hate the way that i am and i wish i wasn't me. i wish i was a better person with a better personality. i wish i could restart my life.
that's all i know. i only know how to wish for things to happen but i don't go out to achieve them and that's my fucking problem.
29.9.15
i forgot to submit an assignment that i already did and its past the deadline now........
i really have no one to blame but myself for being so careless
this is the first time i've ever missed a deadline and its only 10% but i still feel incredibly shitty........
probably because I ALREADY DID IT AND I WAS JUST A CARELESS FUCK.......
i hate myself
21.5.15
hello hi hello i haven't been here in ages.
i'm back home now from clubbing and i can't sleep so here i am...
a guy whom i recall as quite cute (i forgot how he looked like already lol) asked me to dance three times today and i kept saying no because i was with my friends and i didn't want to dump them and i felt i had to protect them lol.
he was actually quite nice about it, like i didn't feel like "ugh yucks men" as i usually do, so... looking back i'm pretty upset with myself for not dancing with him lol. i mean, its not all the time a guy that is MY type asks me to dance because i don't have the face or body that guys here think is attractive.
and in trying to "console" myself about missing out, i told myself maybe he was just had beer goggles on, and once he was sober he would immediately regret asking me to dance. i fucking know right!! i'm self sabotaging myself?!!
but i always do it all the fucking time man it's so bad.
and i wonder if i'm self sabotaging, like i'm not letting myself think that guys may find me attractive, like i think i don't deserve being in a relationship, or being with a cute guy......
because the thoughts that were running through my mind just now were...
"well if i really danced with him he would have sooner or later realised i'm really fat"
"if i danced with him he would've been turned off by how sweaty i was/how gross i looked"
"other people would wonder what's wrong with him - dancing with such a big girl"
it just went along the lines of - sooner or later he's going to realise i'm ugly and fat
-.-
i mean generally on a day to day basis i think i look okay??? but when it comes to guys i may be attracted to... fuck man i just start putting myself down.
why am i like this?!
plus i dont get why guys in the club like to stand behind me, and then i always hear them discussing about whether they should dance with me and someone will be like 'fuck no!' like excuse me i can hear u and also do u really think i would want to dance w u? tbh i always feel a little hurt and will always lose my ~groove~ but i get over it pretty quickly but this has happened more than a few times and its annoying.
u see when it comes to guys like this im like hey fuck off fuck you u ain't getting this bitch and when it comes to guys i may like i become a dweeb with low self esteem.
urgggggh.
i'm back home now from clubbing and i can't sleep so here i am...
a guy whom i recall as quite cute (i forgot how he looked like already lol) asked me to dance three times today and i kept saying no because i was with my friends and i didn't want to dump them and i felt i had to protect them lol.
he was actually quite nice about it, like i didn't feel like "ugh yucks men" as i usually do, so... looking back i'm pretty upset with myself for not dancing with him lol. i mean, its not all the time a guy that is MY type asks me to dance because i don't have the face or body that guys here think is attractive.
and in trying to "console" myself about missing out, i told myself maybe he was just had beer goggles on, and once he was sober he would immediately regret asking me to dance. i fucking know right!! i'm self sabotaging myself?!!
but i always do it all the fucking time man it's so bad.
and i wonder if i'm self sabotaging, like i'm not letting myself think that guys may find me attractive, like i think i don't deserve being in a relationship, or being with a cute guy......
because the thoughts that were running through my mind just now were...
"well if i really danced with him he would have sooner or later realised i'm really fat"
"if i danced with him he would've been turned off by how sweaty i was/how gross i looked"
"other people would wonder what's wrong with him - dancing with such a big girl"
it just went along the lines of - sooner or later he's going to realise i'm ugly and fat
-.-
i mean generally on a day to day basis i think i look okay??? but when it comes to guys i may be attracted to... fuck man i just start putting myself down.
why am i like this?!
plus i dont get why guys in the club like to stand behind me, and then i always hear them discussing about whether they should dance with me and someone will be like 'fuck no!' like excuse me i can hear u and also do u really think i would want to dance w u? tbh i always feel a little hurt and will always lose my ~groove~ but i get over it pretty quickly but this has happened more than a few times and its annoying.
u see when it comes to guys like this im like hey fuck off fuck you u ain't getting this bitch and when it comes to guys i may like i become a dweeb with low self esteem.
urgggggh.
2.4.15
just got back from my first ever tuition class with a K2 child and it is mentally exhausting. tutoring is definitely not an easy job. feeling out of sorts now, perhaps i'm mentally drained and overwhelmed. can't focus on studying for my test tomorrow so here i am.
kind of upset at myself for taking up a tuition job and almost taking up another. questioning my motives. of course my motive was $$$ but i'm disappointed at how i didn't think it through carefully enough. it seems like with jobs i always never think things through clearly.
i've never been very patient with children so i don't know why i thought tutoring would be a good idea.
anyway i just think im not well equipped to teach this child at all. first and foremost i've no idea why i agreed to take on chinese i must have overestimated myself. and the kid is really fidgety and focusing is a problem and i don't know what to do. how do i be firm?? don't know how to handle children.
sigh.... very very upset with myself and the decisions i make.
also something happened that made me feel very uneasy and it was a case of ethics. and i almost let myself be unethical due to greed. and i thought about it and it's like, i'm living an ok life now to be able to turn down money for principles, but what if i reach a stage where money is more important than principles?
and that made me feel like life is very bleak, because how long can i maintain true to myself? already lamenting the loss of my innocence and my view of the world is already tainted.
whenever i tell someone i cant believe the world is the way it is they say that's how it is, get used to it. and it makes me sad, that growing up means you have to wake up and realize not everything is a bed of roses, and that everyone's moral compass is not the same. and thinking about growing up into a world where i become calloused to things about ethics makes me sad.
lately i feel like i dont want to live anymore. life ahead seems so tough yet pointless. the world disappoints me more the older i get. there is nothing to live my life for, nothing that i look forward to. i look towards the future with fear and uncertainty, not expectation and enthusiasm.
the only thing stopping me from ending it all are my parents. because i don't want them to be sad. everything is hard for them now, and i feel like im a burden on them. im so useless.
it disturbs me how i go about everyday being happy and carefree but now and then i get so fucking sad and get to the point i want to kill myself and the next day i go back to normal again.
fuck.
also im so pathetic. its only one lesson and i feel so overwhelmed.
my dad was right. i am always and will be a quitter.
i always face one obstacle and i get so distressed and all i want to do is shut down. in comparison to all my friends i am so pathetic. they are strong and determined and do so much more things than i do without a single complaint and yet when i hit one roadblock i just breakdown and tell myself i cant do it.
i hate the way that i am.
kind of upset at myself for taking up a tuition job and almost taking up another. questioning my motives. of course my motive was $$$ but i'm disappointed at how i didn't think it through carefully enough. it seems like with jobs i always never think things through clearly.
i've never been very patient with children so i don't know why i thought tutoring would be a good idea.
anyway i just think im not well equipped to teach this child at all. first and foremost i've no idea why i agreed to take on chinese i must have overestimated myself. and the kid is really fidgety and focusing is a problem and i don't know what to do. how do i be firm?? don't know how to handle children.
sigh.... very very upset with myself and the decisions i make.
also something happened that made me feel very uneasy and it was a case of ethics. and i almost let myself be unethical due to greed. and i thought about it and it's like, i'm living an ok life now to be able to turn down money for principles, but what if i reach a stage where money is more important than principles?
and that made me feel like life is very bleak, because how long can i maintain true to myself? already lamenting the loss of my innocence and my view of the world is already tainted.
whenever i tell someone i cant believe the world is the way it is they say that's how it is, get used to it. and it makes me sad, that growing up means you have to wake up and realize not everything is a bed of roses, and that everyone's moral compass is not the same. and thinking about growing up into a world where i become calloused to things about ethics makes me sad.
lately i feel like i dont want to live anymore. life ahead seems so tough yet pointless. the world disappoints me more the older i get. there is nothing to live my life for, nothing that i look forward to. i look towards the future with fear and uncertainty, not expectation and enthusiasm.
the only thing stopping me from ending it all are my parents. because i don't want them to be sad. everything is hard for them now, and i feel like im a burden on them. im so useless.
it disturbs me how i go about everyday being happy and carefree but now and then i get so fucking sad and get to the point i want to kill myself and the next day i go back to normal again.
fuck.
also im so pathetic. its only one lesson and i feel so overwhelmed.
my dad was right. i am always and will be a quitter.
i always face one obstacle and i get so distressed and all i want to do is shut down. in comparison to all my friends i am so pathetic. they are strong and determined and do so much more things than i do without a single complaint and yet when i hit one roadblock i just breakdown and tell myself i cant do it.
i hate the way that i am.
15.3.15
14.3.15
chunk of text because
Blablabla procrastinating because I don't want to do my logic homework what's new. I don't know how to do it which is why I don't want to do it. Subjects like these are what make me hate school because it's so fixed and rigid with all of it's rules and strategies. But at the same time it's crazy because I don't understand subproofs and I don't understand how you can just assume anything. Does that mean I'm fixed and rigid? Fuck logic what if I just want to be illogical?????? What is wrong with being illogical so long as you're happy? Lmao if any of my philosophy professors read this they'll have more than a bone to pick with me for sure.
I fell sick again. Twice in less than a month. A testament to how unhealthy I am. Perhaps I am just a deeply unhappy person and all of my illnesses are just my sadness becoming a physical manifestation. I'm prone to that. Shingles when I was stressed at a job, stomach inflammation when a boy I liked for a year rejected me... I am a loser.
Lately I've asked people how they would describe me to someone who didn't know me and a lot said I'm happy or fun. And I guess it's true because I am happy when I meet my friends and I get to talk and talk and talk but then sometimes I just get sad and lately it happens a lot over the weekends when I have nothing to do or am procrastinating. I asked Keith the same thing and he said, "Intense with your emotions but chill about everything else." Perhaps that's why I try to not expose myself to sad things like sad songs or sad movies because I know how fast I spiral out of control. I try to keep myself afloat. Like Dory I guess. Just keep swimming.
Maybe it's just school that makes me sad. School makes me feel dumb. And makes me aware that I'm a lazy motherfucker who knows that I should be conscientious and hardworking but I just am not. Because I'm a lazy piece of shit. I get so angry with what I'm studying 70% of the time because I find it so pointless because I'm never going to change the world with whatever I'm studying. It's not revolutionary. And honestly it's just full of pricks who just debate and debate over things that are just not important in this time and age and they think they're oh so important lmao ok there are only a few people in my head as I typed that sentence out. Fuck yall.
I wish I had a boyfriend who was my best friend because things have changed lately and I don't want to talk about it anymore but I think having a boyfriend as my best friend would be nice. But I'm flawed, so flawed, and I don't think I deserve anyone good. Is this my self esteem issues talking or am I just being real? I don't know. For someone who comes from a relatively happy and whole family I sure have a lot of trust issues and I have no idea where they come from. I told Keith I didn't feel like I was ready to give myself to someone and I didn't know when I would ever feel ready for it. And he said I'm ready to date someone, and when someone makes me feel ready to commit then that's when I'll be ready. It sounds cheesy but I want to think it's true.
The only reason why we were talking about it is because my friend (hi Claud) wants to set me up with her friend and lately I've been questioning myself again although I thought I wouldn't. Things like I'm not good enough, etc things I thought I was over. I guess not. But at least I catch myself saying things like that and stop myself from continuing. I guess that is progress. Although I still think I'm really too fat for anyone to date because even I hate that I'm so fat and I'm so lazy to do anything about it. Argggggh. You know how some people say it's only because you hate these parts of yourself that you find it so easy to find the flaws in other people? I don't know what are the exact words but yeah something like that. I relate to it and it makes me feel so wretched and ugly on the outside and inside. I hate that I'm so lazy and mean and judgmental. Like I always think how come girls my size can have a cute boyfriend but maybe the truth is they're good hearted people and I'm just a coldhearted, mean, judgmental and prideful bitch.
Also my gum really hurts and it's the kind of pain where you wanna poke it more because it kind of feels good in a way lmao does anyone get that or is it just me.
Another thing is I really wish I was quiet and mysterious and I've always wished for that but I'm so.damn.loud. Everything about me is so big and loud when all I want is to be small and quiet like a mouse but instead I am an elephant. Fuck. I want to be small and dainty and quiet and demure and smart and elegant but instead I am big and loud and I laugh with my head thrown back and I'm uncultured and blah. No one ever feels like they need to protect me and I've grown up never wanting anyone to protect me but secretly wishing someone would notice that hey I'm big and I like to put on a front but I'm still a girl and I like to feel like I'm precious sometimes. Fuck I hate that I said that.
Also I want to be mysterious but I am so damn open with everyone and everything. I will literally tell you my entire life story if I like you and we are friends for more than 1 hour. I hate it. I walk away from conversations worrying about the things I divulged. I want to be a closed book damn it.
God. I just want to go somewhere and scream.
I have all these thoughts and I don't know who to tell them to although I know I have a handful of friends who are willing to listen but I guess I am just too ashamed of my thoughts to ever say them out loud so thank God for the Internet where everyone can read my shameful thoughts am I right?!
Read about this Japanese man who's living in Fukushima by himself just to take care of the animals there and I'm sorry to say this but I really envy him. Sometimes I wish I could just drop off the face of the earth and go live in Jeju Island and just live with ten dogs and cats because animals are simple and humans are not and what I need is simple.
I have more to say but I kinda forgot what but it is most likely about hating how I'm bad hearted so just give me a minute.
Ok I can't remember what I wanted to say.
But I just thought of something.
I'm not living. I'm going through life as it is, I don't treasure my life, I don't treat my life as a gift, I literally just go through it complaining and whining. I don't take part in anything, I just go to school and go home. I like this life. But I also feel useless. I am a 23 year old burden on my family. Sometimes I think I'm better off dead because I contribute nothing to anybody.
My mom says I shouldn't say things like that because maybe one day God will really decide to take my life away.
Growing up with Catholic guilt is insane. You grow up thinking you've developed a mindset away from the church but time and time again your catholic guilt just shows up to make you feel the same guilt you felt as a child when you skipped church.
If I die in my sleep I think I would be happy. But then my family would be sad and I don't want that. But I don't want to deal with life.
Why have I become so sad???????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I miss when I had the emotional capabilities of a worm.
I fell sick again. Twice in less than a month. A testament to how unhealthy I am. Perhaps I am just a deeply unhappy person and all of my illnesses are just my sadness becoming a physical manifestation. I'm prone to that. Shingles when I was stressed at a job, stomach inflammation when a boy I liked for a year rejected me... I am a loser.
Lately I've asked people how they would describe me to someone who didn't know me and a lot said I'm happy or fun. And I guess it's true because I am happy when I meet my friends and I get to talk and talk and talk but then sometimes I just get sad and lately it happens a lot over the weekends when I have nothing to do or am procrastinating. I asked Keith the same thing and he said, "Intense with your emotions but chill about everything else." Perhaps that's why I try to not expose myself to sad things like sad songs or sad movies because I know how fast I spiral out of control. I try to keep myself afloat. Like Dory I guess. Just keep swimming.
Maybe it's just school that makes me sad. School makes me feel dumb. And makes me aware that I'm a lazy motherfucker who knows that I should be conscientious and hardworking but I just am not. Because I'm a lazy piece of shit. I get so angry with what I'm studying 70% of the time because I find it so pointless because I'm never going to change the world with whatever I'm studying. It's not revolutionary. And honestly it's just full of pricks who just debate and debate over things that are just not important in this time and age and they think they're oh so important lmao ok there are only a few people in my head as I typed that sentence out. Fuck yall.
I wish I had a boyfriend who was my best friend because things have changed lately and I don't want to talk about it anymore but I think having a boyfriend as my best friend would be nice. But I'm flawed, so flawed, and I don't think I deserve anyone good. Is this my self esteem issues talking or am I just being real? I don't know. For someone who comes from a relatively happy and whole family I sure have a lot of trust issues and I have no idea where they come from. I told Keith I didn't feel like I was ready to give myself to someone and I didn't know when I would ever feel ready for it. And he said I'm ready to date someone, and when someone makes me feel ready to commit then that's when I'll be ready. It sounds cheesy but I want to think it's true.
The only reason why we were talking about it is because my friend (hi Claud) wants to set me up with her friend and lately I've been questioning myself again although I thought I wouldn't. Things like I'm not good enough, etc things I thought I was over. I guess not. But at least I catch myself saying things like that and stop myself from continuing. I guess that is progress. Although I still think I'm really too fat for anyone to date because even I hate that I'm so fat and I'm so lazy to do anything about it. Argggggh. You know how some people say it's only because you hate these parts of yourself that you find it so easy to find the flaws in other people? I don't know what are the exact words but yeah something like that. I relate to it and it makes me feel so wretched and ugly on the outside and inside. I hate that I'm so lazy and mean and judgmental. Like I always think how come girls my size can have a cute boyfriend but maybe the truth is they're good hearted people and I'm just a coldhearted, mean, judgmental and prideful bitch.
Also my gum really hurts and it's the kind of pain where you wanna poke it more because it kind of feels good in a way lmao does anyone get that or is it just me.
Another thing is I really wish I was quiet and mysterious and I've always wished for that but I'm so.damn.loud. Everything about me is so big and loud when all I want is to be small and quiet like a mouse but instead I am an elephant. Fuck. I want to be small and dainty and quiet and demure and smart and elegant but instead I am big and loud and I laugh with my head thrown back and I'm uncultured and blah. No one ever feels like they need to protect me and I've grown up never wanting anyone to protect me but secretly wishing someone would notice that hey I'm big and I like to put on a front but I'm still a girl and I like to feel like I'm precious sometimes. Fuck I hate that I said that.
Also I want to be mysterious but I am so damn open with everyone and everything. I will literally tell you my entire life story if I like you and we are friends for more than 1 hour. I hate it. I walk away from conversations worrying about the things I divulged. I want to be a closed book damn it.
God. I just want to go somewhere and scream.
I have all these thoughts and I don't know who to tell them to although I know I have a handful of friends who are willing to listen but I guess I am just too ashamed of my thoughts to ever say them out loud so thank God for the Internet where everyone can read my shameful thoughts am I right?!
Read about this Japanese man who's living in Fukushima by himself just to take care of the animals there and I'm sorry to say this but I really envy him. Sometimes I wish I could just drop off the face of the earth and go live in Jeju Island and just live with ten dogs and cats because animals are simple and humans are not and what I need is simple.
I have more to say but I kinda forgot what but it is most likely about hating how I'm bad hearted so just give me a minute.
Ok I can't remember what I wanted to say.
But I just thought of something.
I'm not living. I'm going through life as it is, I don't treasure my life, I don't treat my life as a gift, I literally just go through it complaining and whining. I don't take part in anything, I just go to school and go home. I like this life. But I also feel useless. I am a 23 year old burden on my family. Sometimes I think I'm better off dead because I contribute nothing to anybody.
My mom says I shouldn't say things like that because maybe one day God will really decide to take my life away.
Growing up with Catholic guilt is insane. You grow up thinking you've developed a mindset away from the church but time and time again your catholic guilt just shows up to make you feel the same guilt you felt as a child when you skipped church.
If I die in my sleep I think I would be happy. But then my family would be sad and I don't want that. But I don't want to deal with life.
Why have I become so sad???????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I miss when I had the emotional capabilities of a worm.
7.3.15
I don't know why posts from The Big Bang Theory's facebook page still shows up on my timeline but today I saw a post with the caption 'Some things may change but she'll always be the girl who stole Leonard's heart.'
Which made me think about how there are people who can never get over certain loves in their lives but end up with other people later on.
I haven't met a person that I couldn't get over yet, so I guess I don't understand how it's fair to the subsequent lovers who end up being unable to match up to this Great Love. I haven't been on both sides of the coin, so there's a lot of things I don't get.
On one side of the coin, I can't fathom loving someone who will always have a part of their heart that's kept away for someone, always secretly and steadfastly holding on to the memory of a love that I wasn't a part of. It just seems so painful and so unfair because there's nothing I can do about it, and it's not any of my fault. Yet at the same time I think I would question myself, question what am I so lacking in that despite giving and loving so wholeheartedly, my partner still can't forget a person who isn't in their life anymore.
And on the other side of the coin, what if I had met the best person for me but due to circumstances we just had to part? Does it mean that I, or anyone for that matter, don't deserve to receive and give love anymore? Perhaps I would feel guilty and burdened, that I was being unfair to my new partner, asking for love when I can't even give myself fully to them.
Or would it be the case that, despite knowing that my partner can't forget someone, I still want to love them because that is what love is??
I don't know love. It seems so complicated.
How can you give your heart wholly to someone, knowing that one day they could just decide they didn't want it anymore? How can you place yourself in the position where you're always at risk that one day you might get hurt so badly you may never recover from it? How can you want to meet someone whom you will think you fit together so perfectly with, only to one day have your perfect piece want to rip itself apart from you?
To me, love, more than ever before, seems so fragile and capricious and I don't think I'll ever be ready for it.
Which made me think about how there are people who can never get over certain loves in their lives but end up with other people later on.
I haven't met a person that I couldn't get over yet, so I guess I don't understand how it's fair to the subsequent lovers who end up being unable to match up to this Great Love. I haven't been on both sides of the coin, so there's a lot of things I don't get.
On one side of the coin, I can't fathom loving someone who will always have a part of their heart that's kept away for someone, always secretly and steadfastly holding on to the memory of a love that I wasn't a part of. It just seems so painful and so unfair because there's nothing I can do about it, and it's not any of my fault. Yet at the same time I think I would question myself, question what am I so lacking in that despite giving and loving so wholeheartedly, my partner still can't forget a person who isn't in their life anymore.
And on the other side of the coin, what if I had met the best person for me but due to circumstances we just had to part? Does it mean that I, or anyone for that matter, don't deserve to receive and give love anymore? Perhaps I would feel guilty and burdened, that I was being unfair to my new partner, asking for love when I can't even give myself fully to them.
Or would it be the case that, despite knowing that my partner can't forget someone, I still want to love them because that is what love is??
I don't know love. It seems so complicated.
How can you give your heart wholly to someone, knowing that one day they could just decide they didn't want it anymore? How can you place yourself in the position where you're always at risk that one day you might get hurt so badly you may never recover from it? How can you want to meet someone whom you will think you fit together so perfectly with, only to one day have your perfect piece want to rip itself apart from you?
To me, love, more than ever before, seems so fragile and capricious and I don't think I'll ever be ready for it.
16.2.15
Hi I'm back to whine about school.
All I can say is.. I DID NOT learn from semester 1 at all and in fact, I became even LAZIER with my 2-day week what the fuck. Every night before I go to sleep I set out a list of things I have to do but the next day I wake up late and then I end up lazing on the bed and going back to sleep FUCK.
I feel so angry with myself and it's nobody's fault but mine and yet I keep doing the same shit over and over again.
My midterms are in about a week but I've literally done nothing.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckityfuck.
Like I am wasting time and wasting my parent's money on this education if I'm not even putting in my best effort. I know I can do better and I need to put in more effort and last semester's grades are a reflection of that.
FUCK.
I am not as smart as my classmates and yet I refuse to do anything about it out of sheer laziness I really deserve to be shot. I don't deserve this education I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING.
I hate myself.
All I can say is.. I DID NOT learn from semester 1 at all and in fact, I became even LAZIER with my 2-day week what the fuck. Every night before I go to sleep I set out a list of things I have to do but the next day I wake up late and then I end up lazing on the bed and going back to sleep FUCK.
I feel so angry with myself and it's nobody's fault but mine and yet I keep doing the same shit over and over again.
My midterms are in about a week but I've literally done nothing.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckityfuck.
Like I am wasting time and wasting my parent's money on this education if I'm not even putting in my best effort. I know I can do better and I need to put in more effort and last semester's grades are a reflection of that.
FUCK.
I am not as smart as my classmates and yet I refuse to do anything about it out of sheer laziness I really deserve to be shot. I don't deserve this education I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING.
I hate myself.
15.2.15
"
I used to be that woman who begged for love, who waited for a man to tell her she wasn’t broken….but I wasn’t broken. I became one of those women who had no room for a man because her car was full of flowers and pastries. I became one of those women that men don’t know how to love because they just weren’t quite sure where to put their hands, where to kiss. I became one of those women that men tried to capture and hold close…one of those women that slip through their fingers. You see, I fell in love with life
and the wind whispered, ‘Why didn’t you stay? Why didn’t you fight?’
I did fight. I just didn’t fight for him anymore. I fought for me.
"
Whispering Bones, by Drew Hairgrove
I used to be that woman who begged for love, who waited for a man to tell her she wasn’t broken….but I wasn’t broken. I became one of those women who had no room for a man because her car was full of flowers and pastries. I became one of those women that men don’t know how to love because they just weren’t quite sure where to put their hands, where to kiss. I became one of those women that men tried to capture and hold close…one of those women that slip through their fingers. You see, I fell in love with life
and the wind whispered, ‘Why didn’t you stay? Why didn’t you fight?’
I did fight. I just didn’t fight for him anymore. I fought for me.
"
Whispering Bones, by Drew Hairgrove
1.1.15
HAPPY 2015 + LAST DAY OF 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
The pikachu stamps on LINE camera are so cute omg... And they're free!
Spent the last day of 2014 having lunch with Jillian and Gladys and walking around town. As always, I don't make it a point to go out to any countdowns because I would rather stay at home haha
Lunch at Fukuichi! We all had the chirashi set and it was $16 which is affordable compared to other decent Japanese eateries right??
But other than the lunch set, everything else on the menu was expensive.
Very teensy crab meat beancurd which was not bad.
Missing Alison who was stuck at work T_T
All my friends are already working or are gonna work soon and I still have 3.5 years left in NTU.....
Anyway!!
2014 was quite a good year for me so may 2015 be even better!! May everyone I love be safe, healthy, happy, and be able to accomplish whatever they want this year!
29.12.14
Penang
It was rainy in Penang most of the time we were there so it made walking around and exploring very tedious. We stayed in Georgetown where all the street art and old shophouses are. It was very quaint, but also very touristy. Food was cheap and good. I miss curry mee and lor mee!
We went to several other places, like a few temples such as Kek Lok Si temple and St Anne's church, but the rain definitely marred the experience. Which also explains the lack of photos.
13.12.14
twenty two
Technically, since I just turned 22 it means I've spent the past year being 21 but formally and informally I was 22 so I'm just going to say being 22 has treated me fairly well.
In the chronicle of my life, I think years 18-21 represent a time where my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I don't remember being particularly happy or at peace with myself, and a lot of unhappiness during that period I attribute to the low self-esteem I had. Ages 20-21 had their own set of problems and obstacles that were remarkably shitty and seemed like very dark times in comparison to any other year.
22 came and started off a little shaky, and yet as Taylor Swift wrote so fittingly in '22', I was happy, free, confused and lonely, and it was miserable and magical all at the same time.
If I could sum it up, 22 was the year I stopped trying to change myself out of self-hatred or trying to change myself in order for people to accept and like me. That was the magical thing about 22. All of a sudden, I started seriously loving myself a little bit at a time. There was finally some semblance of self-acceptance in my life. With that, it changed the way I viewed people and things, and for once it felt like my heart didn't feel so weary all the time.
With my new-found self-acceptance, 22 taught me lessons about myself, people, and friendship. New friendships were formed and old friendships reinforced. I used to be reckless and quick to burn bridges, but I think I've learnt how to treasure people more now. I still have a long way to go though.
Of course, the magic of 22 was laced with a tinge of misery that adulthood inevitably brought. 22 seemed like the age that signalled, "It's time to stop fucking around and get your damn act together." I realised I really wasn't a kid anymore. I could no longer push to the back of my mind the worries and problems I had, because it was like every single problem on my mind gathered to form an incoming thunderstorm that loomed ahead and was traveling at a speed that made it impossible for me to ignore. And it was confusing, because like I read somewhere, in your early 20s you're too young for anyone to take seriously and you're too old for anyone to feel sorry for you.
Every year I'm closer to the reality of entering the workforce, and yet every year I find myself not any closer to realising what I want to do or what I'm good at. And as a first-year 22-year-old philosophy major, I am now realising I am truly screwed. At 22, I am also now painfully aware that my body is ageing, as I now experience aches and pains I previously thought I was impervious to. Things like having enough money to buy a house or having a partner in life to settle down with have taken on some semblance of importance and urgency at 22, things I thought I would never really be concerned about.
Despite it all, being 22 has filled me with a sense of buoyancy that I've not felt in a long time and for that I am grateful.
Every year I make the same wish that I will always be together with the people who have celebrated my birthday with me, and this year was no different. I celebrated turning 22 with a bunch of good friends, and received well-wishes from a handful of long-time friends and new friends that I like.
It was a good birthday.
Of course, shout out to my momma for carrying me around for 9 months and my parents for taking care of me that I can even write this lol
In the chronicle of my life, I think years 18-21 represent a time where my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I don't remember being particularly happy or at peace with myself, and a lot of unhappiness during that period I attribute to the low self-esteem I had. Ages 20-21 had their own set of problems and obstacles that were remarkably shitty and seemed like very dark times in comparison to any other year.
22 came and started off a little shaky, and yet as Taylor Swift wrote so fittingly in '22', I was happy, free, confused and lonely, and it was miserable and magical all at the same time.
If I could sum it up, 22 was the year I stopped trying to change myself out of self-hatred or trying to change myself in order for people to accept and like me. That was the magical thing about 22. All of a sudden, I started seriously loving myself a little bit at a time. There was finally some semblance of self-acceptance in my life. With that, it changed the way I viewed people and things, and for once it felt like my heart didn't feel so weary all the time.
With my new-found self-acceptance, 22 taught me lessons about myself, people, and friendship. New friendships were formed and old friendships reinforced. I used to be reckless and quick to burn bridges, but I think I've learnt how to treasure people more now. I still have a long way to go though.
Of course, the magic of 22 was laced with a tinge of misery that adulthood inevitably brought. 22 seemed like the age that signalled, "It's time to stop fucking around and get your damn act together." I realised I really wasn't a kid anymore. I could no longer push to the back of my mind the worries and problems I had, because it was like every single problem on my mind gathered to form an incoming thunderstorm that loomed ahead and was traveling at a speed that made it impossible for me to ignore. And it was confusing, because like I read somewhere, in your early 20s you're too young for anyone to take seriously and you're too old for anyone to feel sorry for you.
Every year I'm closer to the reality of entering the workforce, and yet every year I find myself not any closer to realising what I want to do or what I'm good at. And as a first-year 22-year-old philosophy major, I am now realising I am truly screwed. At 22, I am also now painfully aware that my body is ageing, as I now experience aches and pains I previously thought I was impervious to. Things like having enough money to buy a house or having a partner in life to settle down with have taken on some semblance of importance and urgency at 22, things I thought I would never really be concerned about.
Despite it all, being 22 has filled me with a sense of buoyancy that I've not felt in a long time and for that I am grateful.
Every year I make the same wish that I will always be together with the people who have celebrated my birthday with me, and this year was no different. I celebrated turning 22 with a bunch of good friends, and received well-wishes from a handful of long-time friends and new friends that I like.
It was a good birthday.
Of course, shout out to my momma for carrying me around for 9 months and my parents for taking care of me that I can even write this lol
6.10.14
things i have learnt aka procrastination is my downfall
Things I have learnt after 7 weeks of uni and 1 recess week:
- Always, always, always do your readings (especially for my course). If you don't do your readings you're just going to go for class and be totally lost. And everything is going to pile up and you will want to die. Just like how I feel now.
- Not as important, but definitely revise after the lesson within the same week so that if you have doubts you can clarify with the professor within an appropriate timeframe lmao because clarifying something from week 2 in week 8 is just... not a good look.
- Never just read through the material, make sure you annotate (underline, circle, whatever) and write down some points to help you understand the material better. I realize if I just read the notes I definitely don't pay attention and nothing really gets into my head. If I annotate, well, nothing really gets into my head also lol but upon the subsequent times I re-read the material it makes things a little bit easier. I'm also someone who learns better when I write down things, doesn't matter if I'm literally just copying everything word for word.
- Recess week is CRUCIAL. It's crucial because it's a time when you get to catch up on your readings and prepare your work for any deadlines/tests you have after recess week ends. Never, ever, slack off and procrastinate during recess week because I am regretting it so badly right now. Get a planner, and set aside precise tasks to complete each day. This helps you spread out your work and makes it seem doable. I made the mistake of writing a single to-do list and I never got around to completing ANYTHING on it because every time I thought of the to-do list it seemed insurmountable and then I just did nothing instead.
- When your essay prompt is given out, READ IT PROPERLY and not brush it off and saying "lol i have no idea what's that about" and think you'll get it when it's time to do it because most likely, you won't. My essay was given out about 3 weeks ago maybe and I only started on it LAST FRIDAY and I've no idea what is going on. I am screwed. Even if you have tests and shit going on, still make it a point to make sure you understand what exactly the essay questions mean and what you're supposed to produce. This also ensures you know what content you need to focus on.
I've been feeling mopey and depressed the entire day because I'm so stuck with my essay and I'm feeling really stupid because I can't seem to digest any information. Honestly a lot of it has to do with how clueless I am about the content and it just makes me question why the hell am I doing this course and how the hell am I going to survive the next 3.5 years. This is why I'm writing this post, not because I'm helpful as shit and I want to help others, but because I NEED TO LOOK AT THIS EVERY SEMESTER TO HELP ME GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.
31.8.14
things i wish i had the answers to
- why does it seem like everyone in class is way smarter than i am?
- if so, how and what did they do to achieve their levels of intelligence, which i am clearly missing out on?
- is there any way or anything i can start doing now to catch up on whatever crucial intelligence-forming part of life i missed out on?
- why does everyone have so many things to ask in class, and not just questions, but well formed and well informed questions that were obviously thought up on the spot during the course of the lecture?
- will i ever become a smart, intelligent person that can take on a university education????????
currently struggling to keep myself afloat in the swimming pool that is university. any help would be most appreciated. as i have been telling everyone who will listen, it seems like my classmates are on a fibre optic network and i'm still on dial up. beep boop. kill me.
9.8.14
life
Just wanted to pen down some feelings and thoughts I've had lately, for remembrances sake, because I think it would be nice to read back on this and know that I have once felt this way.
I have met new people and experienced new things in the past month or so, and some of these people and experiences have left me feeling bad about myself, like I wasn't good enough. Like I wasn't talkative enough, or funny enough, or good looking enough to be considered valuable or worthy.
In being so caught up with all of these worries, I totally forgot I had a handful of friends who loved me, who wanted to spend time with me, and who truly knew who I was and still wanted to be friends with me.
In being thrown into all these new things, I forgot that I didn't have to impress anyone, and I don't need to try to make friends with everybody and fit into everyone's idea of what I should be if I wanted them to be my friends.
After some time with myself and the people I love, I came to the realisation that if people didn't want to bother trying to befriend me, I shouldn't feel upset at all. At the very least, I shouldn't brood about it for more than what is necessary. It is not a loss to me.
I wanted so much to be well-liked and popular in this next stage of my life, because everyone kept saying it would be much more beneficial to have a wide circle of friends. And I really believed it and wanted it to happen for me that I tried to brush off the fact that what I really enjoy is interacting in small groups and having time to myself to be alone instead of being a social butterfly.
Another thing that happened as of late was that I got confused and silly over someone, and I was truly being foolish. It made me want something that for a long time I did not want, and was happy not having it. A relationship.
I always forget how happy and at peace I am when I am not harbouring a crush on anyone. And once I do, it gets so unhealthy and to a point of slight obsessiveness. It's really bad and I truly want to change it.
Excusing this temporary silliness, for the past year I've been feeling that I don't need a boyfriend and should not have one. Of course I feel wistful sometimes, it is nice to be able to love someone special after all. However, most of the time I've felt that I'm just not ready to love someone.
I don't think I love myself enough yet to be a good lover, and there are so many things I have to improve on before I ask of someone to love me.
"To be loved, be loveable."
This quote (and other such variations) has always been engraved in my mind and it comes to mind whenever I find myself wanting to be in a relationship.
At the moment, I think there are many things I have to work on - physically, mentally, and emotionally. And because I want to find someone great for me, I want to be great for that person too. And I'm not at that stage yet. I want to work on being loveable and I still have a long way more to go.
I feel a bit enlightened!!! Feeling really happy right now :)
I went for my school's welcome ceremony yesterday and a professor talked to us about our course and I am so intimidated! I'm really worried that I won't have the aptitude for this. My course of study is not like a business or science course. It's not something that if I mug really hard for I'll be guaranteed an A. I can't mug for it! Which is why I'm worried if I won't be able to do it. It's university and if I screw up I won't know how to get myself out of that mess. Arghhhhhhh. Ok but I'm still feeling happy!
I hope I'll be able to adapt to all these new changes in the fastest and smoothest way possible.
I have met new people and experienced new things in the past month or so, and some of these people and experiences have left me feeling bad about myself, like I wasn't good enough. Like I wasn't talkative enough, or funny enough, or good looking enough to be considered valuable or worthy.
In being so caught up with all of these worries, I totally forgot I had a handful of friends who loved me, who wanted to spend time with me, and who truly knew who I was and still wanted to be friends with me.
In being thrown into all these new things, I forgot that I didn't have to impress anyone, and I don't need to try to make friends with everybody and fit into everyone's idea of what I should be if I wanted them to be my friends.
After some time with myself and the people I love, I came to the realisation that if people didn't want to bother trying to befriend me, I shouldn't feel upset at all. At the very least, I shouldn't brood about it for more than what is necessary. It is not a loss to me.
I wanted so much to be well-liked and popular in this next stage of my life, because everyone kept saying it would be much more beneficial to have a wide circle of friends. And I really believed it and wanted it to happen for me that I tried to brush off the fact that what I really enjoy is interacting in small groups and having time to myself to be alone instead of being a social butterfly.
Another thing that happened as of late was that I got confused and silly over someone, and I was truly being foolish. It made me want something that for a long time I did not want, and was happy not having it. A relationship.
I always forget how happy and at peace I am when I am not harbouring a crush on anyone. And once I do, it gets so unhealthy and to a point of slight obsessiveness. It's really bad and I truly want to change it.
Excusing this temporary silliness, for the past year I've been feeling that I don't need a boyfriend and should not have one. Of course I feel wistful sometimes, it is nice to be able to love someone special after all. However, most of the time I've felt that I'm just not ready to love someone.
I don't think I love myself enough yet to be a good lover, and there are so many things I have to improve on before I ask of someone to love me.
"To be loved, be loveable."
This quote (and other such variations) has always been engraved in my mind and it comes to mind whenever I find myself wanting to be in a relationship.
At the moment, I think there are many things I have to work on - physically, mentally, and emotionally. And because I want to find someone great for me, I want to be great for that person too. And I'm not at that stage yet. I want to work on being loveable and I still have a long way more to go.
I feel a bit enlightened!!! Feeling really happy right now :)
I went for my school's welcome ceremony yesterday and a professor talked to us about our course and I am so intimidated! I'm really worried that I won't have the aptitude for this. My course of study is not like a business or science course. It's not something that if I mug really hard for I'll be guaranteed an A. I can't mug for it! Which is why I'm worried if I won't be able to do it. It's university and if I screw up I won't know how to get myself out of that mess. Arghhhhhhh. Ok but I'm still feeling happy!
I hope I'll be able to adapt to all these new changes in the fastest and smoothest way possible.
30.7.14
ready to start
I told myself to stop writing long, lengthy ass posts on my blog because we're in a time and age where no one has the patience to read through a chunk of text about someone's feelings or thoughts and it's all about pictures of your face or Kinfolk-esque photos. I mean, take a look at how Instagram is flourishing and Twitter isn't doing so well. People can't even be bothered to go through 140 characters or less!
Anyway, I haven't been on here in a long time. My last post was about my terrible lack of packing acumen for my trip to Hatyai. It was a good trip, and I have some photos I wanted to post but of course, procrastination is one constant in my life that will never seem to leave.
In a bid to try to start of university life as a more sociable and outgoing person, I signed myself up for a 5 day orientation camp in school. It was five days of surviving on a total of approximately 10 hours of sleep doing non-stop activities. Did I achieve my wishes of starting school as an extrovert with many friends? Nope. I'm not sure which part of my brain decided I could magically become a very open and outgoing person but it was obviously wrong. I did manage to make some friends though.
So... Yep. After a year of waiting, I'm finally heading off to school again. The final leg of this crazy education race that I've already been in for more than half of my life. Contrary to the post title, unlike Arcade Fire, I am most definitely not ready to start. There are so many uni things I don't understand, like choosing electives or what kinds of electives I'm exempted from. Should I opt for easy electives to pull up my GPA, or should I go for mods I'm interested in but may not guarantee me good grades?
Not to mention, I really feel like my brain is rusty from all the disuse, and after three years of being in Business I feel like I've lost a lot of my writing skills. All I did in business was churn out reports that were very much similar to each other and didn't require much writing skill. I don't know how I'll cope in my course, which is pretty writing intensive and requires a whole different skill set needed to write business reports.
I'll also be staying in hall, although I'm not sure for how long. I'm totally unprepared, seeing as I've not packed, nor have I decided when to collect my key to move in. I don't know who my roommate is either!! And I'll have to wash my own toilet in hall, because I'm just the unluckiest person ever lol.
It will be so weird sleeping in a small room with a stranger!!!
24.6.14
leaving on a jet plane
I'm going on a short trip to Hat Yai tomorrow with my family and it's my first time taking a budget airline! I think everyone usually packs light for budget flights and I'm only going on a 4D3N trip, but I've come to the realization that I am just an incorrigible maximalist at heart.
Clothes. I think I did fairly ok in this section??
Makeup. Looking at it now it does seem a bit excessive lol. I can imagine experienced light packers tutting and shaking their heads.
Toiletries. At this point I'm slightly embarrassed of myself. I did take out the Hada Labo lotion in the end because I felt I was being ridiculous. Sadly, I decided to add in my hair serum and oil hahaha. The face masks are there because I am super paranoid about getting a tan. I desperately do not want one.
Did I really need to bring two books, two cameras, and two pairs of shades? I am truly the worst. Do not invite me on a backpacking trip. I will bring along my entire house.
Bye!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)