just got back from my first ever tuition class with a K2 child and it is mentally exhausting. tutoring is definitely not an easy job. feeling out of sorts now, perhaps i'm mentally drained and overwhelmed. can't focus on studying for my test tomorrow so here i am.

kind of upset at myself for taking up a tuition job and almost taking up another. questioning my motives. of course my motive was $$$ but i'm disappointed at how i didn't think it through carefully enough. it seems like with jobs i always never think things through clearly.

i've never been very patient with children so i don't know why i thought tutoring would be a good idea.

anyway i just think im not well equipped to teach this child at all. first and foremost i've no idea why i agreed to take on chinese i must have overestimated myself. and the kid is really fidgety and focusing is a problem and i don't know what to do. how do i be firm?? don't know how to handle children.

sigh.... very very upset with myself and the decisions i make.

also something happened that made me feel very uneasy and it was a case of ethics. and i almost let myself be unethical due to greed. and i thought about it and it's like, i'm living an ok life now to be able to turn down money for principles, but what if i reach a stage where money is more important than principles?

and that made me feel like life is very bleak, because how long can i maintain true to myself? already lamenting the loss of my innocence and my view of the world is already tainted.

whenever i tell someone i cant believe the world is the way it is they say that's how it is, get used to it. and it makes me sad, that growing up means you have to wake up and realize not everything is a bed of roses, and that everyone's moral compass is not the same. and thinking about growing up into a world where i become calloused to things about ethics makes me sad.

lately i feel like i dont want to live anymore. life ahead seems so tough yet pointless. the world disappoints me more the older i get. there is nothing to live my life for, nothing that i look forward to. i look towards the future with fear and uncertainty, not expectation and enthusiasm.

the only thing stopping me from ending it all are my parents. because i don't want them to be sad. everything is hard for them now, and i feel like im a burden on them. im so useless.

it disturbs me how i go about everyday being happy and carefree but now and then i get so fucking sad and get to the point i want to kill myself and the next day i go back to normal again.

fuck.

also im so pathetic. its only one lesson and i feel so overwhelmed.

my dad was right. i am always and will be a quitter.

i always face one obstacle and i get so distressed and all i want to do is shut down. in comparison to all my friends i am so pathetic. they are strong and determined and do so much more things than i do without a single complaint and yet when i hit one roadblock i just breakdown and tell myself i cant do it.

i hate the way that i am.