Changes

I meant to start posting reviews on a more regular basis but I started work at a new place this week so I haven't had the chance to write much. I wasn't in the mood for it either because I was/am trying to get used to being in this new place.

It's a completely different industry from all of the places I've worked at so far and it's like I'm suffering from culture shock. To me, it's a lot more glamorous and upmarket compared to anything I know. I probably should have expected it but I pretty much went into this job blind. 

I feel like a fish out of water, completely out of place, and like a frumpy and uncool person when I go into work. Don't get me wrong, the people there are nice but y'know, I feel like I really shouldn't be there. It doesn't help that I'm really quiet among people I don't know very well. I speak less than 10 sentences in all the 8 hours I'm at work.

After a week into it I realized there's a lot more to this job than what I've heard/imagined about it. And a lot of these things don't appeal to me/is hard for me to do/would cause me to be emotionally drained. But I also find myself wondering if I'm limiting myself and my potential when I'm being so stubborn about things that I think I can do and things I can't do. 

I know I'm being very negative and pessimistic about the whole thing, and I'm not allowing myself to fully experience it and to try and enjoy the process,  but it's so hard to. Every time I think about next week I can feel my heart wither a bit. It seemed as though the weekend took forever to arrive. 

I've already signed a contract, so I need to hand in my two weeks notice if I want to leave. I just want to hand it in NOW because I can't see myself surviving for a few more weeks. On the other hand I feel like I should be more open about this and sincerely give it another shot but it's so hard. I know that I'm partly the reason I feel so miserable right now because, 1. I'm being so negative, 2. I don't try to be sociable or friendly so that it's easier for me and others to talk.. 

Also, I agreed to stay for a certain amount of time and I really hate going back on my words when it comes to work related matters so if I quit I know for sure I'm going to feel shitty and blame myself for it. Especially so since my boss is actually really nice and lovely. 

:(

Moving Photos

Before Instavideo, there were Meitugifs. Hahaha I dug these up from an old blog!! I looked so much younger ;__;

I'm feeling real guilty right now because I spent a whole ton of money which I really shouldn't be spending on beauty products. WHYYYY DO I ALWAYS DO THISSSSS.

Conflicting

Adults tell you, "Always stick to your words". Stand by your words, don't go back on your words, be a (wo)man of your words, etc.

Yet when the time comes and it is convenient, it's a dog eat dog world.

"In this world you can only think for yourself."

This is why the world is the way it is, because humans only think for themselves.

What I Wore: 23/9 - 28/9 (week 6)

I'm starting to think that this exercise of recording down what I wore is rather futile. It's becoming quite pointless to me. It makes me feel like I'm putting too much thought into my attire, which is something I am trying to distance myself away from lately. Not sure if I should press on with it anyway. 

I've also come to the realization that my ankles are weirdly small in comparison to the rest of my body. I guess it's a good thing I don't have cankles, more imperfection on this already imperfect body. 

I'm already into my sixth week of working, and sometimes I think time passed really quickly, but I also feel like I've been working forever. If this is what it's like only six weeks into a temp job, I can't imagine what it would feel like when I finally have to hold a permanent job.

I feel like work is slowly going against my nature. I'm beginning to fidget about constantly at my desk and I'm always distracted by what activities I can do after work that can stimulate my mind. I'm expected to give an answer on Monday if I want to convert to a full time staff but I think I knew right from the start this was never going to be a permanent thing. My mind and soul feel stifled in this environment.

Everyone is asking me what job am I going to look for if I'm not going to stay on with my current job. I'm not so sure either. I'm scared I'll feel this way with any other job I get, and that the problem isn't with the job, it's me. 

Degenerate

I FEEL SO BORING AND DULL. 

I've been feeling this way for most of the month now and I don't know how to get out of this rut. It may be because I don't do much other than go to work and shop excessively on taobao, but I feel like my mind is degenerating into this mass of dullness. Literal grey matter. 

Is it because my job is largely uninspiring and I am simply a corporate serf with no thoughts or opinions, 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week? Or is it because my life is so uneventful that I've succumbed to being one of the many soulless drones that mill in and out of public transport during peak hours? 

So upset and I don't know what to do about it. 

I was never a creative person to begin with, so I never had any interesting hobbies. However, I remember a time when I used to write and write and write. All I did was write about my emotions and thoughts, no matter how silly they were. I wrote lengthy paragraphs of what I felt, how I thought about the world around me and how I related to it. Song lyrics were more than just words that accompanied a tune. Song lyrics were meant to be dissected, sentence by sentence, and every lyric that I related to provided much comfort and solace. I would either copy the lyrics and make them into posts, bold the lines that were most relevant to me, or I would find a way to write them into a post. Everything made me feel so much. Songs are now simply 3-5 minute distractions that I fill my head with on the way to and from work. Feelings and emotion are things I try to bury within me because they are messy and inconvenient. 

I feel like my life is trapped in a state of limbo. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad either. Life isn't good, but it isn't bad. There is nothing much for me to feel for; I am not passionate about my work, or a person, or a cause, or anything in particular. I'm not quite sure if this was a result of my own hands or of time and environment. 

I used to feel angry at the state of how my life was here, but I think I've submitted myself to the 60% probability (don't ask me how I came up with that math) that I am going to be stuck in this country for the rest of my life. From wanting so badly to get out of here, I've slowly brainwashed myself into thinking, "Eh, it might not be so bad."

When did I become so placid?

Blah

I feel like I'm becoming rather dull and dimwitted. I try and form sentences and phrases to get across messages I feel strongly about but they all come out weak and pathetic, and my paragraphs seem like headless chickens running about chaotically.

I hate it.