Blablabla procrastinating because I don't want to do my logic homework what's new. I don't know how to do it which is why I don't want to do it. Subjects like these are what make me hate school because it's so fixed and rigid with all of it's rules and strategies. But at the same time it's crazy because I don't understand subproofs and I don't understand how you can just assume anything. Does that mean I'm fixed and rigid? Fuck logic what if I just want to be illogical?????? What is wrong with being illogical so long as you're happy? Lmao if any of my philosophy professors read this they'll have more than a bone to pick with me for sure.
I fell sick again. Twice in less than a month. A testament to how unhealthy I am. Perhaps I am just a deeply unhappy person and all of my illnesses are just my sadness becoming a physical manifestation. I'm prone to that. Shingles when I was stressed at a job, stomach inflammation when a boy I liked for a year rejected me... I am a loser.
Lately I've asked people how they would describe me to someone who didn't know me and a lot said I'm happy or fun. And I guess it's true because I am happy when I meet my friends and I get to talk and talk and talk but then sometimes I just get sad and lately it happens a lot over the weekends when I have nothing to do or am procrastinating. I asked Keith the same thing and he said, "Intense with your emotions but chill about everything else." Perhaps that's why I try to not expose myself to sad things like sad songs or sad movies because I know how fast I spiral out of control. I try to keep myself afloat. Like Dory I guess. Just keep swimming.
Maybe it's just school that makes me sad. School makes me feel dumb. And makes me aware that I'm a lazy motherfucker who knows that I should be conscientious and hardworking but I just am not. Because I'm a lazy piece of shit. I get so angry with what I'm studying 70% of the time because I find it so pointless because I'm never going to change the world with whatever I'm studying. It's not revolutionary. And honestly it's just full of pricks who just debate and debate over things that are just not important in this time and age and they think they're oh so important lmao ok there are only a few people in my head as I typed that sentence out. Fuck yall.
I wish I had a boyfriend who was my best friend because things have changed lately and I don't want to talk about it anymore but I think having a boyfriend as my best friend would be nice. But I'm flawed, so flawed, and I don't think I deserve anyone good. Is this my self esteem issues talking or am I just being real? I don't know. For someone who comes from a relatively happy and whole family I sure have a lot of trust issues and I have no idea where they come from. I told Keith I didn't feel like I was ready to give myself to someone and I didn't know when I would ever feel ready for it. And he said I'm ready to date someone, and when someone makes me feel ready to commit then that's when I'll be ready. It sounds cheesy but I want to think it's true.
The only reason why we were talking about it is because my friend (hi Claud) wants to set me up with her friend and lately I've been questioning myself again although I thought I wouldn't. Things like I'm not good enough, etc things I thought I was over. I guess not. But at least I catch myself saying things like that and stop myself from continuing. I guess that is progress. Although I still think I'm really too fat for anyone to date because even I hate that I'm so fat and I'm so lazy to do anything about it. Argggggh. You know how some people say it's only because you hate these parts of yourself that you find it so easy to find the flaws in other people? I don't know what are the exact words but yeah something like that. I relate to it and it makes me feel so wretched and ugly on the outside and inside. I hate that I'm so lazy and mean and judgmental. Like I always think how come girls my size can have a cute boyfriend but maybe the truth is they're good hearted people and I'm just a coldhearted, mean, judgmental and prideful bitch.
Also my gum really hurts and it's the kind of pain where you wanna poke it more because it kind of feels good in a way lmao does anyone get that or is it just me.
Another thing is I really wish I was quiet and mysterious and I've always wished for that but I'm so.damn.loud. Everything about me is so big and loud when all I want is to be small and quiet like a mouse but instead I am an elephant. Fuck. I want to be small and dainty and quiet and demure and smart and elegant but instead I am big and loud and I laugh with my head thrown back and I'm uncultured and blah. No one ever feels like they need to protect me and I've grown up never wanting anyone to protect me but secretly wishing someone would notice that hey I'm big and I like to put on a front but I'm still a girl and I like to feel like I'm precious sometimes. Fuck I hate that I said that.
Also I want to be mysterious but I am so damn open with everyone and everything. I will literally tell you my entire life story if I like you and we are friends for more than 1 hour. I hate it. I walk away from conversations worrying about the things I divulged. I want to be a closed book damn it.
God. I just want to go somewhere and scream.
I have all these thoughts and I don't know who to tell them to although I know I have a handful of friends who are willing to listen but I guess I am just too ashamed of my thoughts to ever say them out loud so thank God for the Internet where everyone can read my shameful thoughts am I right?!
Read about this Japanese man who's living in Fukushima by himself just to take care of the animals there and I'm sorry to say this but I really envy him. Sometimes I wish I could just drop off the face of the earth and go live in Jeju Island and just live with ten dogs and cats because animals are simple and humans are not and what I need is simple.
I have more to say but I kinda forgot what but it is most likely about hating how I'm bad hearted so just give me a minute.
Ok I can't remember what I wanted to say.
But I just thought of something.
I'm not living. I'm going through life as it is, I don't treasure my life, I don't treat my life as a gift, I literally just go through it complaining and whining. I don't take part in anything, I just go to school and go home. I like this life. But I also feel useless. I am a 23 year old burden on my family. Sometimes I think I'm better off dead because I contribute nothing to anybody.
My mom says I shouldn't say things like that because maybe one day God will really decide to take my life away.
Growing up with Catholic guilt is insane. You grow up thinking you've developed a mindset away from the church but time and time again your catholic guilt just shows up to make you feel the same guilt you felt as a child when you skipped church.
If I die in my sleep I think I would be happy. But then my family would be sad and I don't want that. But I don't want to deal with life.
Why have I become so sad???????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I miss when I had the emotional capabilities of a worm.
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